In attempt to preserve my Twitter follower count and stop spamming everyone with my X Factor fangirl-ing, I’ve decided to gather that up that energy and write a weekly recap on this year’s competition, an X Factor Lezcap, if you will, because let’s be honest, I only care about the gay ladies(!)
Obviously, I’ve missed week 1, and I can’t be bothered going back and rewatching the performances, but from here on out, we can talk about how attractive/musically superior/generally awesome all the girls are and nitpick over potentially gay behaviour. Sound good? Thought so!
I love Lucy to bits, but I was a bit apprehensive when I heard she was doing a cover; they haven’t gone as well as her original songs. I needn’t have worried though – her guitar-driven version of Kanye’s “Gold Digger” was hilarious.
Not only was she looking super gay, the irony of the lyrics was not lost on me: “Get down girl, go ‘head get down”. Really, Lucy? Really?! Paired with Brian Friedman’s choreographed girls shaking their arses in Lucy’s direction, this was the gayest thing I’ve seen this week. AND she was blatantly checking them out. Not that I blame her, though!
And to top it all off, Nicole then went and called her out on her not-so-subtle glances at the dancers.
Nicole: So Lucy, tell me, how did it feel when those four girls were booty popping?
Lucy: I think you can tell!
How Good? 7 out of 10 for this strong musical performance.
How Gay? I don’t think it could get much gayer than this – 11 out of 10. Let’s look at that leer one more time:
Jade is my favourite of all this year’s contestants. I love her look and her musical vibe; I was a bit worried that Tulisa wasn’t going to take her through to the live shows. So glad she did, though, because now I’ve got someone to drool over now that Jessica Ennis isn’t on my telly all the time!
Jade’s rendition of Amy Winehouse’s “Love is a Losing Game” was definitely the sexiest, most sultry performance this week. Her voice is something else. I don’t particularly like the song, but when she looks like that, she could be singing the Birdie Song for all I care. Nicole was her usual nonsense-filled self, comparing Jade to a “beautiful, exotic rare flower”, and I laughed when Jade scampered away from Dermot before he’d read out her voting number. I don’t blame her for wanting to get away from him!
How Good? An outstanding 9 out of 10; vocally superb.
How Gay? Flagging with only 4 out of 10.
I really hate the word “swag” (it makes me think of Justin Bieber, gross) but by Christ, Charlie has totally got it. She is definitely the epitome of that cool lesbian with the awesome hat collection that you’re too afraid to talk to. Or is that just me?
Their song choice was a bit off: Louis obviously convinced them to go with the Jackson Five’s “I Want You Back”, despite their efforts to get “Uncle” Louis down with their urban style. The performance was enjoyable though; it was clear that Charlie and bandmate Sim had loads of fun doing this. She clocked up some gay points though – the rainbow-ish eye make-up was pretty cool, and I’m glad they left her fringe curly this week.
How Good? 6 out of 10, but only because it wasn’t the right song for them.
How Gay? 7 out of 10 for her outfit alone:
I totally wasn’t fussed by the group song. I don’t like Gotye anyway, but the featuring of the guys at the start was weak. Never mind that though; all the gays were looking super. Lucy in a denim shirt (lesbian wardrobe staple, don’t you know), and Charlie was back to her grimy, “baggy jeans, t-shirt and hat” look. God, I love her hair. Our girl Jade was the winner though, with this fantastic dungarees number:
What a cracking outfit … I was gutted she changed for the announcing of the results though.
Speaking of, Lucy, Jade and MK1 are all through to next week’s show. There were a few hilarious moments as the acts were called out, notably Rylan acting like a total douche as per usual, and Lucy totally beckoning Ella over once her name had been called out. I had really hoped someone had gif’d that, but Tumblr failed me tonight.
Lots of gay vibes, and all my favourite are still in the competition. 9 out of 10 for both shows together.
An honourable mention for Ella Henderson, too. She sang one of my favourite songs this week: Minnie Riperton’s “Loving You” – it was amazing. Check it out on YouTube!Stacey