This is the fourth instalment in the story of how Stacey and I first met, fell in love and came to be in the relationship that we are in today. The first three parts of this tale can be found here – Love Story: Part 1, Love Story: Part 2 and Love Story: Part 3. Alternatively, find all of our Love Story posts here.
I can officially say that that kiss with Stacey, at around 4am in a silent, deserted street by the beautiful empty fountain at the end of Market Street – that was the best first kiss I’ve ever experienced.
After weeks and weeks of build up, trying to work out where I stood and how Stacey felt and what I was supposed to do – that kiss took away every doubt and worry that I’d had and I realised that this girl was unlike anyone I’d ever met before. Stacey and I ended up back in my flat where we sat and talked and kissed, before eventually wandering to her house as the sun rose and falling in to her tiny little bed for two hours sleep before Stace had to get up and go home to go to work.
As I walked back to my house, sleep-deprived and completely amazed and bemused by the events of the last 2 hours, I couldn’t believe that the girl I’d been thinking about for the last few weeks felt the same way as me. I was still worried and scared – Stace had this girlfriend, and I didn’t know what I wanted, and I knew I couldn’t tell anyone – but the way she made me feel – that was like suddenly being able to see after weeks and weeks of living in the dark.
I said that I couldn’t tell anyone; but that evening I did tell someone. I told a mutual friend of both Stacey and I – putting him in an awful awkward situation but allowing me to gush just enough to make him realise that I really, really liked this girl. The next few days were strange; Stacey at her parents house, whilst she worked – and me in St Andrews, full of pent-up energy – until she got back and we made plans to see each other again.
I feel like I have to point out right here that both Stacey and I knew that what we were doing was wrong. There can be no excuse for cheating on your other half (Stacey and I both have both learnt that the hard way over the last three years) but Stacey’s relationship with M was probably on the rocks before she met me. However, the way we felt about each other was complicated by the difficulty we had in communicating honestly. We both very quickly got caught up in the deceit of our burgeoning romance – sneaking into one another’s houses, hiding from flatmates who wouldn’t have been impressed – but all the while, I kept telling Stacey that as much as I liked her, I didn’t do dating.
The beginning of our romance was both exciting and painful. For every evening that Stacey would ignore M’s text messages so that she could spend time with me, there was a night where I’d sit with my friends and tell them how nervous she made me, because of the strength of the feelings I had. Before this point, I’d had this deep-rooted belief that whilst I could fancy girls, and kiss girls and even sleep with them, my long term future would be with a guy. When I met Stacey, everything changed.
Let’s just say that I fell hard and fast for the girl in the striped hat who smoked menthol rollies and spent most of her spare time playing guitar. For a couple of weeks, we managed to make it work. We’d catch up at some point during the day – usually hanging about in the union, trying not to rouse anyone’s attention – before heading back to one of our flats, cooking dinner, watching TV and falling into bed together. To this day, I don’t know how Stacey got away with seeing so little of her actual girlfriend, but at the time, it felt impossible for us to be apart from any period of time. At the same time, I was petrified about what this really said about me – how could I have fallen so fast and so hard for someone I barely knew – and more than that, for a girl?! I was scared about what really liking Stacey meant – that I’d have to come out to my family (my friends mostly already knew about my previous girl-crushes), and give up the future that I’d always imagined – and so the two of us punctuated our blissful happiness with occasional tearful (usually late-night) discussions about why, really, the two of us couldn’t be together. It was a real emotional rollercoaster. You can get a bit of a feel for what things were like between us from this exert from a message I sent to Stacey in early December 2009:
“I just feel a little like this is really getting quite serious for me quite quickly; I’m not used to this! Not used to being texted numerous times a day (it’s not that I don’t like it, it just petrifies me) talking to someone about everything, not used to be asked my opinion quite so much.”
Things didn’t truly get better for us until January – but the rest of December was very eventful! In a change to the usual format of these Love Story posts, the next instalment will be written by Stacey, reliving an entertaining/very embarrassing evening which I barely remember – although I did utter three small little words to Stacey that evening! Check back soon for our next update.Carley family, lesbian couple, love, Love Story, St. Andrews