Auf Wiedersehen

Carley & Stacey on holiday June 2013

It’s been over two months since either Stacey or I last posted on here. Without getting too bogged down in the boring (personal) details, I wanted to write down some of the reasons why.

Stacey and I started this blog as a way to document our lives when we didn’t know how long we’d be in the same city, when our relationship had been through something of a rocky patch and we wanted to do something together. This blog gave us something to focus on, it made us better at communicating, it encouraged us to take pictures and write down the things we did together because we (and I particularly) wanted something physical to be able to look back on… I wanted something I could point at when someone asked me what was it like, living in Edinburgh? or, what did you even do in your twenties? 

So it was kinda selfish, really. I wanted to document what my life was like, living with Stace and working as hard as possible and spending money on things we appreciated but also missing my family and struggling sometimes to work out exactly what I wanted from my life. But it worked. For over a year, Stacey and I wrote about the things we did, our hopes and fears for the future, memories from our past. I am so glad we did because now I have what I wanted – something to point at when people ask me about my life, memories of good times and hard times and just… life, you know? Even now, reading back over some of those old words of mine makes me feel strange, because I am already a different person.

But anyway. Stacey and I have had a hard couple of months – her more so than me. But there’s been also been a new job, and some awful weather, and frequent trips to the doctors – a lot going on, to say the least. And through that time, I had absolutely no desire to blog. This was different, for me. I’ve written about hard times before (depression. grief.) but it didn’t seem right to be writing about my life when I was feeling so adrift and yet so on-course at the same time. 

(I want to say right now that I started writing this post with no real idea of what I was going to say. I sat down with the blank screen before and just started to type. And so far, the words have come fairly easily; but that last sentence, in the paragraph above, it has summed up how I feel without me really even realising that that was how I felt. So if nothing else, writing this is good therapy for me!)

So yes. For a long time, writing this blog was satisfying, enjoyable. I loved the camaraderie that came from reading the blogs of others online, and it gave me such a buzz to document my life and show glimpses of what made me happy or sad or angry to anyone who was interested. I’m not quite sure what happened, or why that went away, but it did. That’s not to say I haven’t been writing – there have been a few odd short stories I’ve finally got down on paper, and even some (gulp) fan fiction drabbles that I’ve realised out into the ether – but I haven’t had the energy or the inclination to open this blog up, or to log into twitter, or to comment on any of your blogs. I’m sorry. I don’t know why.

I don’t know how to finish this post. I don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow, or next week, or whenever I next open up this window. I’m not saying that I won’t be writing anything more here on A Summer Full Of Peaches. I’m just not saying that this is me back, either. So, until I return, I hope all of you in blogland are all well and I have missed your updates and I hope that I will get my blogging mojo back soon.

Carley

1 Comment

  1. cindy says: Reply

    Your words “so adrift and yet so on-course at the same time” resonated with me. Just lost my love of 36 years, am functioning and completing activities of daily life, but feel suspended as if I am looking at someone else’s life.

    Thank you for sharing the day-to-day struggles to give your life meaning, be yourself, and find out what makes you happy, what does not, and what activities or people make you comfortable in your own skin.

    On a lighter not – love your fashion choices for St. Andrews weather!

    cindy

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